Devil-May-Care: Thoughts and Reflection (Freewriting)
I'm spending my night looking back on the past year. I'll be 30 years old tomorrow. A major setback of 2018 was completing the anxiety-filled applications for PhD programs. I gave it my all and I found I was miserable and that I've never enjoyed traditional schooling. Still, I feel poorly and indebted for the letters of recommendation my professors wrote me. I was not accepted into UCLA or USC and more importantly, I recognized I am not ready to leave Los Angeles. My mind wanders and my focus is broad. My phone distracts me over 50 times per day. Somehow, I ended up with a Master's degree and top grades and published a couple papers, but it doesn't really mean much to me. Looking back, graduate school wasn't that difficult, but the stress and impostor syndrome had caused me incredible angst and grief.
One of my dearest events has been joining a very rad book club. We recently celebrated our one year anniversary and I was able to assist the bartender on making a ‘Brooklyn’, introduced to me by my good friend, Matt. The current book we are reading is "The Master and Margarita". I’m grateful to have attended religious school despite experiencing animosity toward it in my younger years and ditching Judaism for my teenage years. This religious upbringing gave me a basis in which to understand the book’s second chapter with Pontius Pilate and his reluctance to bring Jesus to trial. Having a grasp of history and theology has helped me to understand the characters’ point of view — and mastery of knowledge. This book was written by Mikhail Bulgakov before his death in 1940. It was not published until 1967, well after the death of Stalin. I’m ecstatic to continue indulging in this feast of a novel.
In August 2015, I left my job, packed up my things and took a drive to California with my close friend and colleague, Faraz. We took the southwest route stopping at Sergeant Pepper’s Cafe in Springfield, Illinois for lunch. I had attended the University of Illinois at Springfield for two years during undergrad. The small town campus wasn’t for me and I transferred to Chicago to finish my undergrad. 7 years later as we’re on our way to California, I began to wonder why I was moving. I told myself it was because of the weather and I tell other people it’s because of the weather. But, the truth is I longed for change.
Traveling the vast expanse of New Mexico’s serenity, we stopped in Grants, New Mexico. We ate a nearby Mexican spot, explored a windmill technology courses at the local community college. I downed some whiskey and spoke to the maitre' d’ of our motel, a couple with no particular direction. They were several years younger than me, but already married. I told them of my sights and my experiences in Chicago and my intentions to move to Los Angeles. I don’t know if they understood why I was moving, but I think they grasped that Grants, NM, had little to offer. I hope that they found what they’re looking for in another part of the country. We visited Santa Fe, NM, and reenacted the Breaking Bad episode where Jesse goes to the Georgia O’Keefe museum. I’d like to visit Albuquerque again.
We were rained out of the Grand Canyon, but filmed a short video at the largest crater in North America and took a drive through the Petrified Forest. We took a brief hike and examined the wood that had been preserved over millions of years. We stopped in Flagstaff, the Key West of Arizona and spent a night up there. It was a celestial experience touring the planetarium where Pluto was discovered. Post Flagstaff, we headed to Tempe, but that’s enough for tonight. I’ve got work in the morning.
My mantra for the next year is to gather knowledge, break down barriers, and take action. I’m grateful for everyone who’s supported me in my California residency. I don’t plan to stay here forever, but I have no plans to leave.
